So I’m disappointed and frustrated today. Disappointed and frustrated both in my circumstances and in myself. I wish that there weren’t so many heavy things and decisions added to this Christmas season. I wish my body weren’t in such a state that we have to make some hard calls about our plans. I wish the country weren’t in so much of an upheaval over so many issues. I feel like Charlie Brown when he finally blows his top and wish the whole world would get quiet and listen to Linus recite the Christmas story – that we could all pause and have a moment where we focus on what we are really supposed to be celebrating, the birth of a Savior – MY savior! Why can I not do this, even though I realize I need to?! Christmas has historically been hard for me. I shared some of this with you before. I have had several years where BIG hurt has happened right around Christmas (my hamster died ON Christmas day one year during the few hours I was at my dad’s house – for real!) I am a big dreamer and I get my hopes way up about most everything, so the fall tends to really hurt when it doesn’t turn out the way I have it all planned in my head.
This week has been a particularly rough one for me. I had a good visit at my doctor on Tuesday – my numbers look great and there was nothing alarming going on. When I called Marsh to tell him how my visit went he said, “you sound disappointed.” Why? Why was I disappointed? I, of all people, should be full of Christmas cheer – I didn’t die for the SECOND time this year! A total stranger sacrificed during the beginning of a global pandemic to save my life. Everything has gone even better than expected. I really should not be complaining, yet here I am not bubbling over with merriment. Tuesday evening I got sick (we are 99% sure it was food poisoning) and that rendered me useless all day Wednesday. I got behind in all of my baking and craft projects. I had to cancel some plans that involved other people. My people have all had a cold – amazingly I haven’t, but I have been on edge for over a week worried that it was Covid in disguise, and worried that I would catch it. I have been having some strange rashes/hives popping up randomly on me and I am having issues with my mouth and throat that make eating a bit unpleasant. None of these things alarmed my doctors, so I “should” have felt relieved, but I did not feel that. The rest of my life is going to be a bit like this – triaging my symptoms and dealing with weird issues that come with carrying around two sets of DNA. And that is a little deflating. I wish I could compartmentalize all of that and just enjoy Christmas this week!!! So what do I do? What do you do? No one’s Christmas looks the same this year. I think most all of us are dealing with some sort of disappointment in how our holidays look this year – frustration that we can’t just proceed as we always have.
Well, I asked my friend, Whitney to guest post for me this week. She is a fellow 2-time cancer survivor who I met through my doctor’s office (oncology is a great place to make friends!). She has started The Boobie Queen Company and makes crowns for women going through breast cancer (like the one you all saw me wear this summer in the hospital). She is also a licensed therapist. I asked her to chime in on this discussion. I am glad that mental health has been brought to our attention so much this year. She has some good strategies that might be helpful to you as you navigate the rough waters that are the 2020 holiday season. Take it Whitney!
This season may look different
It’s true… things just might be different this year… I know most of us were hoping for things to be somewhat normal by Thanksgiving and in time for Christmas, but things just seem to be getting worse… And when I say things, I’m of course referring to COVID19.
Is anyone else sick and tired of this pandemic?!
A lot of us are going to be tempted to bend the rules so we can see family members and do what we would normally do during this time of year. Unfortunately, some of us don’t have that luxury.
So what do we do? How do we manage the holiday season at home? How can we meet all the expectations we have for Christmas without pulling our hair out?
Here are some thoughts and ideas:
Let go of what was and embrace was it (for now).
I know what you’re thinking, “Ugh, do we have to?!
You don’t HAVE to do anything. BUT, it’s important to understand that whether you know it or not, we are all grieving right now. Some are further along in their grief cycle than others. Grief can be triggered by any change or loss. If we continue to resist change then our grief will just be more difficult to manage.
Who needs that during Christmas time?! No one.
Being able to embrace the world as it is instead of holding on to what it was, helps us heal, grow, and move forward. It helps us become even more resilient than we already are so we can take on the next chaotic thing that comes our way.
What we focus on expands. If we focus on how things used to be or how WE think things SHOULD be now, we will only become darker and heavier. We won’t bother with the light at the end of the tunnel and lose hope.
Being able to embrace the way things are, even if it’s painful, gives us a starting point. It helps us be grateful which will breed motivation to move forward. It helps us become solution focused rather than always looking for what’s missing.
Embracing what is and grieving what was may be the hardest thing we do this season. Thankfully, we were made to do hard things.
Consider your needs
As a licensed therapist, I am continuously amazed as to how many people DON’T know what their needs are. A lot of my counseling interventions revolved around helping my clients identify what they need. Most of them could tell me very easily what their spouses need or what their children need. But looking in the mirror and really thinking about what it is they need to be mentally healthy in this crazy world is quite challenging.
One of my needs is connection. Connection. Connection. And more connection. Quality time is my love language and I thrive off of connecting with other people. Unfortunately, the world we live in, at the moment, is not set up for me to connect with others as much as I would like. But I also know that if I don’t get this need met, then I just might pull my hair out.
I’ve had to really look at what my needs are and reevaluate how to meet them. This took some time and intentionality to figure out. But it was worth it.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- What are my top 5 needs?
- How did I get those needs met before COVID19?
- How am I getting those needs met now?
- What are some alternative ways I could fulfill these voids?
- What would be the pay off?
- How would things be worse if I got my needs met?
Some of us are so busy meeting everyone else’s needs that we haven’t taken the time to address our own. Well hear this… We are WORTH the effort to figuring out what our needs are. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Make new traditions and rituals
Part of what makes the holiday season so special is the traditions that come with it. Because of the pandemic, we won’t be able to continue some of these rituals. Of course this just stinks worse than the Grinch’s feet. It really does…
The thing is, the same brilliant minds that started these traditions in our families in the first place have the ability to make new ones! New things breed new connections. And truly is the goal for this time of year, isn’t it? It should be in my opinion anyway.
Maybe some of us need to change the goal. Get a new aim. Work towards something different. Not better or worse, but different.
There are ideas for traditions everywhere! Do some research! Get on Pinterest! Survey your Facebook friends and ask for their input!
Just because we can’t do some of the things we’ve always done, doesn’t mean we can’t create something new.
Don’t give up and get creative
Don’t just throw in the towel and give up on Christmas magic. It’s there! Sometimes we have to fight for it. Sometimes we have to fight for our joy.
During my breast cancer journey, I figured out that joy doesn’t just appear. It doesn’t just show up when we want it to. We have to create it.
Joy seemed unattainable at times when I was sick. But I was doing it wrong. I was expecting for things to just work out since I was having a rough go of it. Now, I strive to create my own silver linings.
So don’t give up.
How can you create your own joy this season? What can you do with what you have right now? What are some things you did when you were little that you can do now? How can you be more playful?
Ok so there you have it… Embrace what’s happening, figure out what your needs are, make new traditions, and get creative… It all sounds so easy?! Well, it’s not. It’s really not. I wish it was but that’s just not the truth.
The truth is, we have to be really intentional with this holiday season. For a lot of us, it’s going to look different. But different doesn’t have to be miserable. Different can be mystical and fun.
It is also true that even when we make the effort to create our own joy, it still may not be 100% of what we want. BUT maybe it’s 80%. Either way, it’s better than 0%.
It’s you and me, Christmas. For better or for worse.
Cancermamma 