When our youngest turned three this past year there was a moment where he said in a shocked and somewhat fearful voice, with tears in his eyes “I don’t want to be three! I want to be two!” He has brought this up at random since then and said it again this morning. When I have probed him for an explanation of this fantasy, he doesn’t have much of an explanation. While I am sure some of it is driven by his witty personality and knowledge that we all think it’s cute when he says it, I do believe there is an element of truth to his expression of this desire. The nostalgia of happy times slipping away often gives the feeling of trying to catch water. I think we all can relate.
The past month has sped by and been chocked full of emotion for me. My mind has been a whirling dervish trying to sort it all out. Anxiety has been at a record high. I spoke with a friend yesterday who was struggling with some things and we listed what all her year had borne, and when we stacked those things up it was a heavy list. Last weekend I had a panic attack triggered by some reading about a new medicine I might be taking soon (read more about that here along with a medical update). And of course with all of the turmoil in our country over election results I could spend the rest of this post listing more incidences of cases of high anxiety and stress that I have witnessed just recently. Enter the whirling dervish again – what do we make of it all? How do I handle my three-year-old’s declaration that he wants to stay two forever in a way that is gentle, giving acknowledgement to the unrest in his soul while at the same time not giving false hope that his fantasy can be true? How do I comfort friends who are dealing with stress and anxiety without minimizing issues that don’t cause me stress personally? How do I fight the desire to think I can hold everyone else’s burdens myself so that they don’t have to? Strangely enough, I made a connection yesterday while talking to my financial advisor.
I don’t claim to have a complete understanding of the markets and while I feel that I am a fairly smart lady, I defer to the experts on things that would tax too much of my brainpower and time – investments is one of those things. Our financial advisor calls periodically to check in and almost always checks in when big things happen in the news that make people uneasy – like protests and the U.S. Capitol being breached. One of the things he mentioned yesterday about the markets and elections is that it doesn’t always matter which side wins, but rather it is the uncertainty that causes volatility in the markets. He made a wonderful analogy to this being like what I have said before (and say to any new cancer patient I talk to) about being diagnosed to cancer. Probably the worst time of a cancer patient’s life is the time between when they are first diagnosed and treatment starts. I always tell folks, “once you have a plan and start working it, you will feel so much better.” I’m not saying that all fears go away and you have confidnece that it will all be better, but the anxiety does seem to settle out a noticable amount then. Uncertainty is the gasoline on the fires of anxiety – and it has been this way since the beginning – the Fall began with the serpent planting seeds of uncertainty in Eve’s mind when he asked her, “Did God really say…..”
So how do we battle this? How do I deal with the uncertainty of my life moving forward as I struggle to figure out the “new normal” for myself that involves learning how to live with two sets of DNA fighting for control of my body? How to we deal with the uncertainty of our nation right now – what direction it is going? How do we explain this to our children? How do we know what news is real when we have biased media spinning events to their agendas and conspiracy theories running amuck on social media? With the Truth. God’s Word. That is the only answer I have. As I have discussed the events of this week with my family, it is the only thing I can be certain of and the only thing that calms my anxious heart. It may sound simple – too simple for such complex things – but I know deep down that this is where I need to orient my compass right now.
2020 has been a hard year on everyone and I wouldn’t want to minimize anyone’s hard just because on paper mine was off the charts. I don’t know how you process things – obviously writing helps me. List out all of those stressors – call them by name – acknowledge what all you have pressing on you – admit that you don’t have the answers or solutions for them and so much is out of your control. Then turn to the Truth. Speak Truth to yourself. Remind yourself what you KNOW to be true. And if you don’t know where to turn, ask a friend you trust who does. For me, knowing that God is always with me, will never leave or forsake me, helps. I remember that He was with Daniel in the lions den, with Paul in prison, with Job through his trials. I remember that He has healed me of cancer twice and I know that He is in control of all of the uncertainties around me.
There are so many times I look back with warm, happy feelings of times in my life when things seemed much easier, happier, healthier – you know, pick a year BC (before cancer). Maybe this is what G feels when he says he wants to stay two forever. But I always come back to how many wonderful things have happened in the middle of the hard. So, I get up and drink my coffee this morning. I take my medicine. I bake. I do laundry. I hug my children and teach them what is right and true and how we treat people. This is all I can do. I trust that God has put us all where we are in this space and time for a purpose – and I thank Him for it. I focus on what is certain – His love and care of me. And I try to be wary of the serpent’s voice saying, “Did God really say…” We are going to be okay. God has called us to this time. We cannot stay two forever.
Cancermamma 