Yes, I will get to the point where I tell you the things we are thankful for, but let’s just be real and honest for a bit first. Our six-year-old is halfway through his first month of treatment for leukemia – really? This just still doesn’t seem right. We have some personal family stress with our older son. I just finished a three-year legal battle about my Dad’s estate that while it ended, left no closure and more sadness. We brought the twins back home for school this year – so I’m homeschooling high school again, which is something I said I never wanted to do again. Since last Friday’s treatment, Gus has had what we are now pretty sure is a GI bug – because last night two more of us started throwing up. This is a bit too ironic. This was his first in-clinic treatment. If you go waaaaay back in the archives, this same thing happened after MY first chemo treatment for breast cancer – the whole family got the stomach bug. And if we haven’t forgotten, I still have plenty of health issues of my own to manage. Seriously God????
Multiple times over the past few weeks I have told friends that this feels like I am in the seventh circle of hell (forgive my weak Dante reference – I never really got into that one). I have been dumped into the lion’s den. I am relating more and more every day to Abraham when he was told to sacrifice Isaac, Daniel put into the lion’s den, Job….with everything. Yet in every instance, God provided a way….and I’m just guessing, but I bet none of them thought this was the best way at the time. And I don’t either. It’s too much. I’m tired – I’m going to bed at 7 and 8 with Gus (and then getting up multiple times a night). I’ve been sick battling a horrible sinus infection and cough this whole time. I’m still angry. I feel like I’m being punished for something. I’m grieving the childhood I wanted for him – I was looking forward to him starting to play ball this year! I’m exhausted. So what do I do with this? I know, from past experience, and just wisdom gained over the years, that staying here and wallowing is not an option and won’t get me anywhere. So here is where I “fake it till I make it.”
If you know me or have read my writing long enough, you should know that even if I try to be fake, my face will betray me, and usually my mouth follows closely. I’m just not wired that way. So, what I try to do is look for the flowers amongst these weeds – make the best of a really $#!++y situation. I am going to try to list the things I am thankful for today (while it is likely going to be full of more puking, lots of Zofran, and the BRAT diet instead of what we had planned).
- I am so thankful that my gut told me to take Gus in for bloodwork even though he didn’t have any really obvious symptoms
- I am thankful I have had the experience I have with leukemia and the hospital in general – it made me a very good advocate for Gus
- I am thankful for my nurse family – they all descended on us in the hospital and took care of me even though I wasn’t technically the patient – I felt so much more at ease knowing I had so many friends there I could call on
- I am thankful Gus has the “good” leukemia and has responded to treatment really well so far
- I am thankful for friends and family who will drop everything and come stay with me in the hospital so that I could rest at night and make sure I take care of me too.
- I am thankful that there are so many people that have sent gifts and cards and love to our family – it is truly amazing and unreal in the best sort of way.
- I am thankful that Gus has not been so brave – I truly think that him hearing “cancer talk” literally his entire life has helped this situation seem normal – I hate that it feels normal to us all, but it seems to be our thing.
- I am thankful for all the extra snuggles I’m getting – six is my favorite age and I’ve always said I wished I could freeze them here. It’s also when they usually start becoming more independent and it’s bittersweet. I’m getting to soak up more than I would have normally.
- I am thankful for Gus’s sweet, adorable, thoughtful and generous heart. This child has apologized to me for having to go to the bathroom so much bc he thinks it is probably annoying to me (trust me I corrected him on that). When he was in the hospital, he was asked by someone one day what she could pick up from the store for him and he asked for things for his brothers. When people would give him something, he would try to find something he could give back to them. He asks me daily what he can do to help ME out. No whining, no bad attitude, the most selfless heart.
- I’m thankful I have all my kiddos under my roof today (even if 3/4 of them are living in the bathroom for most of the time). Two of my good friends have lost children in the past month. My heart aches for them today. Several other friends have lost family members in the past month. I know today is going to be super hard for them. I would invite them here – but then I’d feel bad they would get the pukes.
But mostly, I am thankful that none of this is a surprise to God. He has this all under control and it is all part of His plan – even if I, as well as everyone I know, think it’s a horrible plan right now. I am thankful that He can sympathize with every hurt I am experiencing. I am thankful that He has provided Christ to be the Mediator and stand in the gap for me – he prays prayers for me….think about that for a minute. I have been thankful for friends standing in this gap for me and praying when I have admitted I have nothing left, but Christ does this for me as well. So even though today really stinks in so many ways, I am still finding things to be thankful for. And this is one of the ways I battle my depression. If I start listing things to be thankful for – I often find that they outnumber the bad. It doesn’t make the bad disappear though! That’s the thing – they coexist. And that’s a hard thing to get comfortable in. There is tension because we think we can only be one or the other, or that they cancel each other out – they don’t. I posted something on social media from one of my favorite humorous cancer Instagram pages that I think is a good thought to end on today. “You can be sad and thankful, just like you can be full and still eat pie.” So, ya’ll go eat pie for us, because we will all be here eating saltines, Zofran and puking.
Lesley
Cancermamma 