October 15, 2019 · from Lesley’s original CaringBridge journal
It’s full disclosure Tuesday here…. beware……
Good news! Insurance approved my hyperbaric treatments – we were slightly shocked that the process went so easily. I told them that the boys and I had several doctors’ appointments I wanted to get over with before we started. The plan is to start on Monday, October 21. We are still trying to get someone to stay with the boys for the 4 hours I’ll be gone each day (for 8 weeks), trusting that the Lord will provide the right person just in the nick of time. Another update is that our appeal for my Proton Therapy has gone to third party review – this is the very final last chance to get insurance to cover at least some of it. Of course we would love to win and not have to pay for this for the next several years (I mean, three big kids in braces at the same time….just shoot me now!!!), but mostly I want to win to break down the wall for all the other women coming after me. So as you pray for our family, here are some things you can pray specifically for: the right person to help with the boys during this next treatment, this hyperbaric treatment to work and heal my damaged tissue, the Proton appeal to be overturned and me be the exception that gets the ball rolling for others, and as always, continued healing and keeping the cancer away. Now….back to my meltdown…..
The last of those aforementioned appointments were yesterday – I had my checkup with the oncologist and another visit with the plastic surgeon. I was super excited heading up there because I knew I would get to see all my peeps that I love so much. That part was great, as expected – lots of hugs and quick catch ups among the chaos that is the treatment room. Then came the visit. All was good to report from both directions – I am feeling great, handling my medications great, and he says I look great and seem to be doing well – and really, truly, I am and have been doing much better for a while. Then satan entered the room. I had a few questions about recurrence and how to gauge normal pain against pain I should be concerned about. These are questions that I do need to have the answers to but they trigger so much….. Cancer is so unpredictable. People who are stage 4 can have remission and live for years and years beyond what anyone thought – miracles seem to occur. People who are stage 1 and seem out of the woods quickly can have a recurrence and don’t do well. While knowing the facts of how well my body has responded to treatment and the good news that is – I can’t help but be acutely aware of the reality that in many cases that doesn’t mean squat. Keeping your balance of being happy and thankful of being healed and still on the lookout for warning signs that things aren’t right is a difficult thing to do – think the Wallendas walking across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net – this is how I feel – one minute I’m bravely taking one step after another feeling very sure of myself (while others probably think I’m crazy, they see the danger below, and don’t understand how I can have a smile on my face) and then the next minute I’m frozen… unable to move because I am reminded how quickly things can change – I feel as if I can’t take one more step, much less muster a smile. I got frozen yesterday. I had a full blown anxiety/panic attack in my doctor’s office. The cold sweat came on, my heart was racing, my ears started ringing, the room was spinning, and I thought I may pass out. Again, I have the best oncologist in the world and am forever grateful for him. He reminded me that I am not a statistic – I am my own case study. He also reminded me that we know who is truly in control and He is stronger than any statistic there is. He prayed over me and reminded me of the words of a song that “Fear is a Liar” (song by Zach Williams). That was the best medicine he could give. The nurse came in to flush my port and de-access. I asked if she were flushing it with Ativan (all my onco nurses feel free to chuckle with me on that one). She said “no, but we can pretend.” I left his office with a few more hugs on my way out and headed to my final appointment of the day, the plastic surgeon. On the way there I called Marsh to update him on my delays (we were running way behind on everything at this point) only to find out that the boys had had a little….ahem….altercation while I was gone. GREAT! I was exhausted. I was frustrated with myself for losing control and having my little panic attack. I wanted to cry the whole way home but knew I couldn’t because I wouldn’t be able to see the road. I came home – ate dinner (that thankfully I had put in the crock pot that morning before I left) – bathed myself and Gus – and went straight to bed before 8:00. I spoke nothing to anyone about the “altercation.” I woke up this morning.
I woke up this morning. I woke up still exhausted from the emotion the day before (they usually linger with me for a couple of days after). But I woke up. I immediately gave thanks for that. I woke up to my husband posting sticky notes all over the house for my birthday – I was thankful for that. I woke up to baby snuggles – I was immensely thankful for that. I ate salty yogurt because the dam of my tears finally burst. I pulled up the song that my doctor mentioned to me and listened. Fear definitely is a liar. He tells me that I don’t deserve to still be here – I wasn’t a good enough mom/wife/daughter/friend for God to spare – they would be better off without me anyway. He tells me that this healing was all a big mean joke because bad news is right around the corner. He tells me I am a fool for being hopeful. He tells me God isn’t powerful enough to overcome statistics and allow me to see my children and grandchildren grow up. He tells me I am a drain on everyone around me. He tells me God has no use for me through this. He tells me I am wasting my time going through reconstruction because I’ll probably die soon anyway. He tells me a lot of mean, ugly, terrifying things…..BUT HE IS A LIAR!!!!! I am casting my cares – and fears – upon the Lord because I DO KNOW that He DOES care for me. I am rebuking these lies and speaking truth to myself this morning. I woke up. I am alive today so I am going to live, and live fully.
One of the hardest things as a cancer patient is coming to grips with your own mortality – especially when you are on the young side of the cancer spectrum. It is so easy to trust God for healing, but can I trust him with death before “I’m ready”? This is the big tension. This is the hard one. I claim 100% that God went above and beyond in healing my body this past year. I do a pretty good job of trusting that He can and possibly will keep me alive for many more years to come. I like claiming his sovereignty and power in those situations. But what about the flip side? What if He does choose to take me sooner rather than later? What if I don’t get to meet my grandchildren? It’s not so easy to submit to that possibility. And while I battle the fear of that I am struggling to trust that He will care for me and my family through that situation too. I want to think that the best scenario is for us to never have to experience cancer again – but that may not be God’s plan. I want to be prepared for that – I want to have that kind of faith and that kind of peace – the kind that surpasses all understanding. For my birthday today I am going to ask God to strengthen my faith – help me trust him especially in the places where it is hardest and I feel helpless. I am going to ask Him to help me accept the good and the bad from him, always with thankfulness. I am going to ask him to help me face my fears boldly, knowing that He is my strength right behind me – I am not alone in this. And I am going to ask him for another 41 years because it is my fear that I won’t have that many. And I am going to remind myself all day that FEAR IS A LIAR!!!! (and sticky notes are awesome)
Fear, he is a liar
Zach Williams
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar
Comments from CaringBridge
Nancy Sullivan — 10/15/19
I think it is perfectly normal for you to be fearful at times! Look at all you have had to face at such a young age! You amaze me with your faith and tenacity. You know He is sovereign and loves you more than any of us can imagine!. I will pray that this fear will be replaced with that peace that passes ALL understanding!
Gerry Brooks — 10/15/19
Stay strong do not let fear over ride the good and beauty of God. I have told you before and I will tell you again, you are a beautiful, strong woman. My heart cries for you and I know that you have the Faith to over come all that fear tries to do to you. May you have a very Happy Birthday.
Lisa Cronic — 10/15/19
You are a beautiful blessing to me sister! You inspire me more than I could ever tell you. My heart rejoices with you in your victories and breaks along with yours in your weeping. I am praying in agreement with you for you and along side you. And happy birthday sis💜💜 What a great day to live fully.. I like how u said that… and you are not alone!! Psalms 3:3 He is the lifter of your head.. Because He knows your head will need to be lifted!! I love you and your precious family. If I can be of help, please call on me
Emily Johnson — 10/15/19
HBD Lesley 🎂 Thanks for this reminder to keep praying for YOU & YOURS 😘
alan motter — 10/15/19
You are still Wonder Woman, honest, true to self, God and family. Them demons will always be there, but God, family and friends are bigger, better, and Stronger. Love and Faith is yours❤️🙏
Kelsey Martin — 10/15/19
Fear…………. F ake E vidence A ppearing R eal Fear…………………………. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME HOW SATAN PREYS ON OUR FEARS CONSTANTLY. I will remind myself all day ( with sticky notes, they are awesome ) to not succumb to Satan’s lies. I have never read your blog before. I have kept up with you and your beautiful growing family loosely through your Facebook posts. Too loosely in general, but especially since you have gotten sick. You know that the cancer took my beautiful strong father/daddy/friend so quickly and he put up a pretty good fight at first, but his body didn’t respond well to treatment at all. This pain and FEAR of mine is my excuse to you and myself and Grammy Wynell as to why mom and I haven’t checked on you more when you live kind of right up the road. I’m sorry Lesley. You don’t know how much mom and I admire you and your fight. I have always looked up to you and thought you were so beautiful. You still are. I still can see you pulling up in that maroon Celica and I just thought you were the coolest chick ever. I aspire to be like Grammy Martin everyday and if I get to even half the woman she was I will have succeeded. I miss her so. I love you Lesley and those boys, whether y’all know it or not, I think of y’all a lot and y’alls farm. Grammy would want us to communicate more and for some reason, which I think is her, I found this post of yours and read it twice word for word. Humbling myself and staying grateful. Thank you. -Kelsey Ann Martin
Carey McCaslin-Murns — 10/15/19
This is a beautifully written display of how honest and deep your faith runs. You have given yourself to God 110% and in return He will lift you up. It brought me such joy to read this journal entry. We will continue to pray for you. I hope you have the very best birthday, I know you will treasure every moment! ❤️
Debbie Parker — 10/15/19
Thank you for being so honest and transparent. I know it is encouraging to those who have the same thoughts and don’t express them. You share your heart so eloquently. And you are so loved, by God, and by us. Enjoy your birthday today and in all the years to come!! Love you sweet friend!!!
Cancermamma 