October 21, 2018 · from Lesley’s original CaringBridge journal
I tread lightly in making this comparison, but I feel I have a little license since my oncologist described this time post-treatment as being very similar to a PTSD experience. I have no frame of reference for being in combat and returning to civilian life other than what I have read others speak of – but I feel as if that is the closest thing I can think of to what “right now” is like for me. I have been in the trenches of my own little battle here for 10 months now and running on a lot of adrenaline. It is very odd being “done” with all the big stuff. In one sense it is like the safety net of “I’m doing something to fight this stuff” is gone and I am really relying just on faith, trust, and hope that God has eradicated every single cancer cell from my body and is going to keep it away. And while this past year has offered me more tangible acts of God’s love, care, and provision for me to see, that whole trusting business is still hard. My flesh is weak in more ways than one.
For a little re-cap of the past couple of weeks, I had my last Proton Therapy treatment on Tuesday October 9. Marsh and the big three came up that Saturday before straight from the soccer field. About 10:45 that night the locker room came through the front door of my little Knoxville cottage and it was the most glorious stink! I sent everyone straight to the shower 🙂 Gus was a little perplexed as to where all those yahoos came from and what they were doing at our house so late. He also felt his territory a bit infringed upon and was trying to push Marsh out of the bed. Thankfully that didn’t last long and he quickly remembered that these were the fun people in the family and they were great for playing ball and doing silly things. We all went to church on Sunday at West Hills and my TN church family got to meet the rest of my crew. On Monday we all went to the treatment center together and spent the rest of the day doing fun stuff. Some of us went to play golf and the rest of us drove over to Gatlinburg to the aquarium (thanks to our passes provided by the center). Tuesday we went in for my last treatment – some of my new friends came to watch me ring that giant of a bell. It was a little surreal finally being done with all of my cancer treatments for the year. We did some more running around Knoxville, eating yummy food, and starting to pack up. That evening we got an extra special treat – a private tour of the back of the proton center. I honestly can’t put into words how amazing that was. It was like the curtain being pulled back and seeing the Wizard of Oz, only it wasn’t just a tiny man with a microphone, it was even more amazing that the voice made it seem. In my treatment room I would lie on a table each day for my treatment in sort of a large tunnel shaped section of room. Well, that tunnel was really part of a large piece of machinery that took up a three story building that was above, below, and behind me each day (that I never knew was there). It looked like something from a movie. There is one of those for each of the treatment rooms. We then went to see the actual cyclotron that generates the proton beam. It was in this other back room behind heavy metal doors and surrounded by 8ft. thick poured concrete walls. We had to take turns going in because Gus wasn’t allowed due to the radioactive material. As the physicist explained all the workings of this equipment, all the people involved in maintaining it in peak condition, how they review my treatment each day to make sure everything was done right on each of the 31 days….I got choked up. Because the proton beam can only treat one person at a time, that means that each day while I was being treated ALL of that effort, ALL those people, ALL that machinery was focused on just me – little ol’ me – trying to make me better. In a real nerdy way I saw the enormity of God in these machines and was overwhelmed at all that He has been doing this year (and prior to in preparation) to heal me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it all. He cares for me that much. And really, I can’t type enough words to convey how much that experience weighed on me.
Leaving Knoxville was a little hard for me – it had become a sweet home away from home with lots of new friends. While I was so ready to be back to Sparta, I had a little pang about leaving East Tennessee. Wednesday morning we packed up the rest of the house and started heading home trying to beat Hurricane Michael. And we did – right as we got the last of the car unpacked it started to rain. Amazingly we never lost power and didn’t have damage at all. We did however have a kid start throwing up in the middle of the night and a baby who didn’t want to sleep – welcome home! Apparently there was a Thursday of that week, I don’t really remember it. Friday we did what is our “Fun Friday” that we haven’t been able to do all year. We went to the library and then to the drug store for ice cream that afternoon. We did soccer Saturday and were all able to go to church together for the first time in a long time. Monday the 15th was my birthday (they say it was a big one but I think my birth certificate must be wrong, I declare that I’m 32 forever). We started back school and it was a little rocky – we are all trying to re-learn “normal” life. That evening a kid had a migraine – we are talking full blown and I finished my birthday cleaning up puke….mom life…then we ate cake. The rest of the week was more of the same, we are trying to get back into the swing of things and it’s a little rough on all of us. I feel like we are the Bad News Bears of homeschool and mom life right now. Much grace is needed in every direction – and poor Gus, he is constantly having to adapt to “new.” Thankfully he’s a pretty adaptable kind of guy. So prayers for us as we readjust are greatly appreciated.
So what’s next with me? Well, I still will be living at the doctors’ offices for a while. I see each doctor every 2-3 months so I’ll still have lots of eyes on me. I have to start taking a pill that will greatly reduce my risk of recurrence – I will take it for 10 years. It has some side effects, but hopefully nothing too hard to manage. I am not sure about a scan. I thought we would have one after everything was finished but my Dr. didn’t mention it this past week and I forgot to ask. After the first of next year we will start meeting with the surgeons and discussing reconstruction and mastectomy #2 – I am not looking forward to going through that but will look forward to having that behind me as well. My body is still pretty drained. I’m tired. The adrenaline has worn off and all my old responsibilities plus my new “building me back up” responsibilities are overwhelming. I haven’t hardly stepped foot in my kitchen all year – I feel like a stranger in there and haven’t much clue how to get started back. I still experience “chemo brain” and feel like I live in a state of brain fog (even worse than my normal scatterbrained self!). So if you have a conversation with me and I can’t remember anything or repeat myself, just be gentle with me, I honestly can’t help it! Re-entry is tough. I don’t really know the formula for what I’m supposed to be doing now but I’m just taking it one day at a time and looking for where God is leading us all. Grace upon grace is needed all the way around….we will make it though. And I can’t wait to see how we keep turning out after going through this refining fire 🙂
Comments from CaringBridge
Joanna Collins — 10/26/18
Praying God gives you the strength to just put 1 foot in front of the other each day and to enjoy his mercies. Still praying!
Caroline McDaniel — 10/23/18
Continued prayers sister! He’s not finished with you yet!🌈❤️
Susan Leonhard — 10/22/18
Lesley, our family will continue to pray for adjusting back to life at the farm and for faith to keep trusting God in the days ahead! We love you all!
Nancy Sullivan — 10/22/18
Our prayers continue for you, Leslie! You are brave and courageous 🦁
Lori Lawrence — 10/21/18
I love you so much friend! Still praying for you continuously.
Pam Cook — 10/21/18
Glad treatments are finished. Praying that things will soon be back to “normal”. ❤️🙏
Janice Wright — 10/21/18
You are a very strong person to have gone through all of this! God will give you strength for the re entry part now. My prayers are with all of you!
Karen Finefrock — 10/21/18
Dear Leslie, I just finished reading your summary of all you have been through and you have expressed it so well! A Bible verse that comes to my mind is Philippians chapter 3 verses 13 and 14! God bless and we will continue to pray for you!
Cancermamma 