April 25, 2020 · from Lesley’s original CaringBridge journal
“More of the same” has been the theme of the doctors’ rounds most every day this week. I seem to be leapfrogging a day of blood, a day of platelets. While this is expected it would be nice if my counts could slowly start coming on up. My body could develop antibodies from all the infusions that could cause problems at transplant and we don’t want that. Sadly my platelets have been too low to ride my bike most days this week so it just sits there taunting me. Rosie the rash met her match when we switched to IV Benadryl from the pill. She is on her last leg, and I am thankful. Ursula however has not lost steam. I have found ways to manage her but she doesn’t seem to be changing much. My hair has started to shed. My nice white sheets look like the floor of the beauty parlor. And remember the biopsy that they moved from Thursday to either Monday or Tuesday? Well, they decided to do it yesterday! (My hip is sore but that’s about it) We should get results Monday afternoon. I am still praying boldly like a toddler that there will be NO cancer cells present. The doctor said that if it is a clear biopsy we may be able to skip the other round of IV chemo and move straight to transplant. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much but that would be wonderful. He doesn’t want me to have any more chemo than necessary since I’ve had so much already (and some of it is toxic to my heart). The only real downside to that is that I won’t get that week or so to go home in between – I will end up having a two month (or more) long hospital stay. But that is okay. We can handle it.
My spirits have stayed up for the most part but I have had some struggles this week. I made the mistake of reading something just trying to understand for sure what the name of my particular diagnosis is. I have made a point up until now not to read anything because I know it triggers anxiety in me. Well, I read too far down the page this one day. I saw those numbers, those statistics, that say that this will probably come back, lifespan isn’t that great, etc. The numb, cold, tingly feeling went all over me. I just want to see my kids grow up. I’ll go through this ten more times if I have to, I just want to see them grow up. It is so hard. I see God’s hand in every tiny detail of what I am going through and I don’t doubt for a second that He is in control and is using this for good. It is just so hard to completely surrender, to say “Thy will be done”, knowing that what I want the outcome to be (me live a long life with my family and sharing what God has done in me with more and more people) may not be God’s plan. While I believe that is totally normal to feel that way, it is still hard. I have had to remind myself multiple times this week (and have had good friends remind me as well) is that I am not a statistic. I am a child of God and HE and HE ONLY has my days numbered. I am trying to rest in that and learning how to a little more each day.
Here are some verses I read this morning that were a comfort to me and part of my prayer today:
So, then, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust themselves to a faithful Creator while doing what is good.
1 Peter 4:19
I will sing to the Lord because He has treated me generously.
Psalms 13:6
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16
Thank you again for all the prayers, let’s keep them up, pray like toddlers – boldly! I am hopeful that God is going to continue to amaze us all through this.
Lesley
Comments from CaringBridge
Ellen Smith — 4/28/20
Lesley, my husband, Ruble, and I sat behind you each Sunday when we worshiped together at West Hills. We loved getting to know and love you and then meeting your beautiful family. We were so encouraged when you were able to go home (but We did miss you). We are so sorry that you are going through more trials. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, fears and faith. Philippians is my favorite book of the Bible. I have to read often, especially chapter 4, to remind myself to trust in him, not always easy. But…He is faithful! Know we will be praying. Love, Ellen
Joanna Collins — 4/27/20
Collins family in Milly is praying hard and petitioning for you. We have been reading James 5:16 in the NIrV, and second part says “The prayer of a godly person is powerful it makes things happen!”
Gina Shealy — 4/26/20
Praying boldly for NO CANCER CELLS!!!! And I so appreciate your transparency in the face of fear and anxiety.. it is real and I believe we do well in sharing — it helps me to know how to pray. You are a precious lady, Lesley.
Janice Dempster — 4/25/20
Praying like a toddler!!!! Bring the little ones into me. So thankful God hears all our prayers.
alan motter — 4/25/20
Every night sweetie 😊
Jan Davis — 4/25/20
Fight on, soldier of God!
Nancy Mitchell — 4/25/20
Praying for you, Lesley! Keep trusting!
Becky Holton — 4/25/20
Praying for no cancer cells, so you can go on to the transplant. I am praying BOLDLY for you! Hugs.
Karen (Regan McShanes mom) Pardoe — 4/25/20
Praying with the zeal of “those toddlers” for God to continue to hold you fast.
Carrie Sanders — 4/25/20
Keep on pushing the Beautiful Soul. Stay Strong!!
Ondra Lee — 4/25/20
Stay strong! You are amazing at all you do! I love you bunches!😘😘😘
Kerra Domaleski — 4/25/20
Lesley, I have a friend who was diagnosed with AML subtype APL many years ago. She said she’d be happy to chat with you if you needed anything. She’s also a registered dietician. Take care! We are keeping all of you in our prayers.
Gale Roberts — 4/25/20
Love and prayers!
Theresa Morgan — 4/25/20
Praying for good numbers. Hang in there. God is in control 🙏🙏
Patti Garretson — 4/25/20
Lesley, you are continually in my prayers and in those in my church.
Cathy Del Toro — 4/25/20
God bless you Lesley! I can’t imagine what you are going through, but pray for your daily and BOLDLY that God will heal you completely. I am so glad you belong to Him. I can’t imagine going through this without Him. Much love and prayers!
Cancermamma 