February 6, 2018 · from Lesley’s original CaringBridge journal
The other day we had an appointment with a patient educator in the breast health center. She made a comment that I was so calm she kept pausing to look at me and make sure I was okay (I guess she was expecting me to break down any moment). I have also had several people mention how they were amazed at my positive attitude. Well, let me dispel some myths here – I am not a picture of serenity over here. There are many monsters under my bed, most of them are named “What If”, and “young women have a harder time” along with all sorts of other bad stories I’ve heard. The first two weeks after my diagnosis I pretty much stayed in bed. I didn’t go into public until the end of January except to go to doctor’s appointments. I wallowed. I screamed. I cried….a lot. I wrestled with my faith BIG TIME! I asked all the why questions. I begged God’s mercy on me – on my kids. I was terrified of dying from this and what it would do to my family. I was in a very low, lonely, and dark place. I felt like God was dealing harshly with me and was very far away.
I have had the privilege of working for pastors in my past and have realized more now as I am older how much I learned from them that has stuck with me all these years later. Several of them contacted me after my diagnosis – that meant so much to me. I shared with one of them how terrified I was and my struggles with seeing God’s tender care. This was his reply: “Let me advise you to begin reading the Psalms beginning with psalm three and reading right through, identifying your cancer as your enemy as you read. Notice the pleading. Notice the complaints. Notice the laments. Yet notice the confidence and hope. With Job, ‘though he slay me, yet will I trust him.'”
Well, if I am honest I am not quite to Job level – I don’t want to be slayed!!!! But I have been reading the Psalms and they have been ministering to my soul. God is slowly pulling me out of the dark pit. I am seeing His hand in so many details along the way that I don’t feel like He is distant anymore. I am seeing His love poured out on my family by sooooo many people. I am not crying as much. I am hopeful. I am trusting.
Comments from CaringBridge
CaringBridge showed 12 comments on this post; the site’s “view more” pagination only surfaced these 10 for me to pull.
D Gillespie — 2/9/18
Yes. Be at peace. God has this. Don’t stress. Be strong. You’ll be fine (remember when I said that about Gus before he was born;-) My best wishes to you and Marsh!
Susan Leonhard — 2/8/18
Thank you for your honesty! One of the many things that I love about you! You and yours are continually in our prayers!
Amy Peed — 2/7/18
So thankful you are feeling His presence more and more each day! Love you, sweet friend!
Traci Chapman — 2/7/18
Praying for you and your family! We all have scary moments that we question, but its so good to see you find strength in the Lord. He will prevail. He will be with you the while way. Keep your head up. You have a God, a family and many friends that love you and even more that are praying for you. Stay in His word.
Kamie Garrett — 2/6/18
Thanks for sharing dear one! That is an encouragement to me. I also can relate to your struggle! I will keep praying for you and your family and i know His grace is sufficient. His power is great and His love for us makes him willing to act on our behalf…..in my own words from psalm 62. I have meditated on this Psalm many times.
jeri willeby — 2/6/18
So happy to read this. I love that you are being so real about both your physical and spiritual journey. I love seeing you cast out fear and hang on to the Lord. Together, you can tackle whatever the future holds. He is giving you an amazing testimony of His love and faithfulness. Not the story you had in mind but a story that will change you and give Him glory. Love you.
jenny surfus — 2/6/18
Our family is praying God gives you the peace that only he can during this trial chapter of your lives. I know my situation was different after my surgery, but God had me be still and know he is God and by his grace and sovereign will has been so gracious to me as I have faith he will do for you as well! Praying that God will grow your family for yalls good, BUT for His glory!!! We love y’all!!
Virginia Kring — 2/6/18
We love you and your family. Praying with you every step of the way! Miss you!
Pam Cook — 2/6/18
Praying for you and your sweet family. God’s got this!!
Larry Letson — 2/6/18
We serve a powerful God that is able to do abundantly above all that we can comprehend. I am also reading through the Psalms. We are lifting you up continuously !!!
Cancermamma 