May 23, 2018 · from Lesley’s original CaringBridge journal
For those of you that don’t know, all four of our kids have birthdays in the same week….on just two days (this just goes along with all our other weirdness). Murphy and Gus share a birthday on May 16 and Jack and Eli (of course) share May 25. No, we did not plan this at all. Needless to say it has been a busy several weeks around here trying to get ready for and execute “Birthday Week.” It’s also been very emotional for me – come, join in on the hormones….
My baby turned one and my oldest turned 13 – both monumental birthdays and I felt like crud all around them. I love celebrating my children’s birthdays – we have several fun, just our family traditions. I take each boy on a birthday date with me and we go out for lunch and whatever they want to do afterwards – last year I did this VERY pregnant but it was still fun. We haven’t been able to do that yet this year. I did however manage to hang up the birthday banner and bake a cookie cake – so that was good. We had plans last week to go to the Riverbanks Zoo but got rained out – we will still go soon but trying to plan around days that I can hack that kind of trip, weather, and baseball is quite challenging. Marsh and I forwent our Friday date last week and will again this week to celebrate each birthday. We are making the best of it dadgummit.
I was talking with a friend yesterday who is having a real rough time with her chemo. One of the things we talked about was this halfway point. Mine came and went and I hardly realized it I was so tired. Leading up to it I had all these thoughts of belting out some witty Bon Jovi lyrics when I got there but I missed that along with the too late idea of having “may the chemo fourth be with you” shirts made for my treatment on May 4 (I digress). I think there is this idea that when you get to the halfway point it is all downhill from there and these feelings of being almost to the finish line prevail – but folks, this is chemo – and while it is most definitely akin to a marathon you can’t make too much of that metaphor. Chemo builds up on you and this fatigue is no joke, along with the brain fog, and don’t get me started on the chemo induced menopause (I apologize to any woman my senior whom I have not taken seriously when you complained of menopause symptoms – this business is crazy!). There is a similarity of seeing the end closer and that motivating you to push through, but there is also so much wind out of your sails at this point that it isn’t so much of a “woo hoo! I’m almost to the end” feeling but rather “whew, not too much more of this to endure.”
The “X years ago today” photos have been popping up on my phone and quite honestly are really hard for me – I look at where our life is now and think of where we were then and it just makes me sad. This time a year ago I was thrilled to finally be holding this sweet baby I had longed for for years, blissfully ignorant of what was in store ahead. THAT was an awesome Birthday Week. I want to go back to that time, 2017 BC as Eli put it the other day (before cancer). But isn’t so much of life like that? Man makes his plans but God orders his steps (Proverbs 16:9). I think if we knew the future we’d likely want to bury our heads in the sand because it would seem too much to handle. Our lives are never going to go as we would like them to but they will go exactly as they should. It is so easy for me right now to look at life and count all the things cancer is taking away from me and causing me to miss; the tally is high. But I also have to look at how many things it has given me – new friends that are instant family, old friends back in touch, amazing generosity and self-sacrifice of friends, family and even strangers, seeing my older three boys step up and handle man sized tasks, watching my husband shoulder so much weight and responsibility with more dignity than any man I know, slowing down enough to recognize and appreciate aspects of life we wouldn’t have before, pause to distinguish between the things that really matter and the things that don’t…..the list goes on and on. This is not the 2018 I would have chosen for our family but I must trust that it is the right one for us. This is not how I wanted to spend my boys’ birthdays this year – but in reality it has been good. They are enjoying birthday week despite their super tired mamma and the plan changes. We will continue looking for what God is gifting us with and teaching us through this whole mess – it is for our refining, not to consume us. We are pressing on but right now it’s a little more like slogging through mud than sprinting to the finish line…Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him (Job 13:15) I am working my way closer there. Now….time for more cake! 🙂
Comments from CaringBridge
darice davis — 5/24/18
Hi, I miss you all so much. I am so sorry you are still going through a rough patch. It is summer reading time, and I miss seeing my boys. You have such a positive spirit and strength that is wonderful through this ordeal. You are always so good about thinking about other people, even when you are not your best. We have been thinking about you and your family and will continue to keep you in our prayers. You give me much confidence if I have to go through this. Drop in and say hello whenever you feel up to it!
Pam Cook — 5/23/18
Keep pressing on. These treatments will soon be over. Keeping y’all in my prayers. ❤️🙏
Nancy Mitchell — 5/23/18
Lesley, you are keeping it real and yet doing an amazing job! 💗 you!
Gale Roberts — 5/23/18
❤️
Catrena Lisse — 5/23/18
Love you and your wonderfully weird family! Stay strong and keep fighting!
Cancermamma 